Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
