no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
