she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
