I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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