come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize