I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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