Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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