So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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