I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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