does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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