I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just want to make out with him forever
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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