i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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