There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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