i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
