If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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