dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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