Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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