we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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