I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
