the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
