He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
