Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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