cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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