I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
