Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
