I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
