Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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