I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
