planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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