even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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