everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
