Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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