just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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