It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Is Oprah even human
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize