she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
