mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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