you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
