I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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