im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I came so hard my ears popped.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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