i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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