Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
