why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
