My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
