Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
