Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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