he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
