Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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