that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
