I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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