i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
