carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize