I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize