I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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