The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
sarcasm needs its own font
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
