I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
