Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
