Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
