There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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