He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
