I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
