You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
