a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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