The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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