Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
