Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
